What Do You Do If You Find Out Your Family Isn't As Kind As You Thought?
It's easy to look for the good in people. We look around and desire closeness and to see the people we are close with as wonderful. But do we see all of each other or do we see just the good, just the bad... or some of each?
What happens if you see kindness and goodness in someone who isn't actually those things? That can create quite an internal dilemma.
The desire to uphold our picture of someone clashes with what we know to be true. One way to dissipate that contention and confusion is to hide it.
Recently I was facilitated by Dr. Dain Heer at an Energetic Synthesis of Being class. He asked if I would be willing to look at what I was hiding.
He talked about how immediately most humanoids tend to think what they're hiding must be what's wrong, terrible, mean, and viscous about them. But that might not be what it is at all. I looked at this, asked some questions of me, and not getting much clarity yet other than the knowing that something huge was getting poked that I had put a great deal of effort into hiding... the sweet and potent Bret walked in the room and asked if I would like to talk.
He asked me questions from the space of looking at what is. Not getting lost in the minutia, or emotions of anything, but being there for me in a way that literally anything that was about to come up was okay. We asked questions together like, "What am I hiding?" and allowed the energy reveal itself.
The odd thing for me was the things that would pop up to say, I really, really didn't want to say out loud. Looking back, I can now see that was a great indication I was indeed committed to hiding them. In my head though, I didn't want to say them because they sounded significant, or stupid. Lucky for me Bret said, "What about if you say them and we just go from there? It's ok if they are significant."
It was such a gift to say these things out-loud. Bret listened and when the energy matched with what I was hiding we recognized it and acknowledged it. I could even begin to smile about them, when before I was really, really was not in a smiling mood.
There were several things I had been hiding. Go figure. It's hard to hide just one thing without covering that up with something else that also needs to be hidden to keep the hiding of the first thing 'good and hidden'.
I was hiding that someone in my family who I thought was kind, loving, there for me, was/is actually incredibly mean. I was not on a witch hunt to blame anyone or find someone "out", if anything I was more trying to find something that I was doing or being that was not working. That idea that if it's me, at least I can look at it and change it.
But I had made a choice to un-hide whatever it was, and it turned out to be someone's meanness.
What do you do when someone in your family is not as kind as you thought? What happens when they don't act how you had hoped or they don't act in accordance with the angelic way you see them to be?
1. It's okay to look at them and what they choose and have chosen for what it really is. What if it is no longer your job to uphold how how you did see them and how they want you to see them?
It's okay to really see what they have chosen. Were there situations that seemed like they were caring, but it wasn't from the true caring you had hoped would be delivered to you? For me I had glossed over and re-shaped situations so they they looked to be more kind, more nurturing, more "right" than I realized I was doing. I looked at these things from my new space of not having to hide it and the weirdest part to me in those moments...
Looking at these situations actually gave me a sense of peace. Not a sense of being worked up or upset like I might have expected.
2. Be kind to you. Even if that wasn't how you were raised to treat yourself. What one kindness can you be for you right now? And if there is one thing you can be, is there one more too? And another?
What if during these times it was your new job to be sweet with you? And treat you how you should have been treated.
3. And a third, get some facilitation around this area from someone who won't judge you. Someone who won't make it about what's right and what's wrong, but about what is possible. This can be one of the biggest gifts you can give you in times of change, in addition to kindness for you and allowing the new information in.